Cooking with Norm

Welp, First off, I'd like to apologise for the lack of art lately. I don't have a scanner at work, and since I am staying at the in-laws during the week, I have no scanner there either.

I do have a picture of my kid for ya:

That is the look all of you make while reading my blog. Why on Earth do you bother? That haircut, BTW, is the standard "Okie Burr" given to him by his grandfather. Not my idea. Not Jen's either, but he started right up the middle, and at that point, he had to finish it, lest Jackson has Harkonnen blood that I am unaware of.

Living with the in-laws (especially Norm, Jen's step-dad) is proving ... Interesting. This is the only time where somebody's eating habits, unrelated to cleanliness, has gotten on my nerves so much. I have no idea where this man learned to eat, but it wasn't anywhere I've ever heard of.

Let's go through some of my favorites:

note: For a lot of these, you will need an Insanely Large Bowl (ILB). I just measured the one Norm usually uses, and it is about 2 Quarts. For reference, because I know most of you don't know what the fuck a quart is (because you are either foreign and use the metric system, or American and dumb), the pitchers that we all used to make kool-aid in as kids, that's about 2 quarts. It's a BIG bowl.

1)Tomato-cracker "soup"

You will need: Two cans tomato soup, an entire box of Club crackers, a fist full of shredded longhorn sharp cheddar cheese, and an unhealthy amount of salt.

-dump both cans soup into pot to cook. Do NOT add water.

-When bubbling, transfer soup to ILB.

-Crush every single club cracker from the box (3 rows)and add to ILB.

-Add cheese and salt (because the salt from the soup and off the crackers just isn't enough), stir.

-Place in microwave, cook for 2 min, then leave it in there for a while so the crackers soak up the soup.

What you should get is a paste of sorts that is yellow, orange and red. You can eat it right out of the bowl with a spoon, or on heavily buttered toast. Around here, bread is unheard of, so the best option is usually the former. Be sure to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

2)Pizza Monstrosity

You will need: 1 DiGiorno supreme pizza, a massive tomato*, a fist full of shredded longhorn sharp cheddar cheese, and an ungodly amount of French's Yellow Mustard.

-Remove pizza from box.

-Cut tomato into "shapes" of no discernible rhyme or reason.

-Add tomato and cheese to top of pizza in no kind of pattern you ever heard of.

-Cook as normal, insuring that the new cheese is burnt, and the frozen cheese stays that way.

-When done, cut like a normal pizza, remove two pieces and lat on plate ass to end.

-Add mustard in copious amounts to top of pizza.

-Add a dash of salt.

-Exclaim: "This is the best god-damn pizza you ever gonna eat!" to all within earshot.

3)Breakfast "meal" (to be eaten at night)

You will need: Honey Nut Cheerio's, Grape Nuts, 1-3 bananas, sugar, two kinds of milk.

-Fill ILB with all ingredients listed above in as large of portions as you can muster.

-Place ILB in fridge.

-Go outside, smoke a cigarette, watch the first part of the O'Rielly Factor, wander around for a bit.

-Remove ILB from fridge.

What you should have is a brownish-white... thing. The sugar should have dissolved the banana, and the Cheerio's and Grape Nuts should have soaked up a good portion of the milk, though the mixture should remain very liquid. So much so, that it is difficult to carry without spilling, and as you walk yo the living room with it, you should leave little spills in your wake. When you notice these upon your return to the kitchen, mumble a string of curses under your breath.

And the self-explanatory ones:

4) ILB full o' shrimp

5) Cheese n' Pickles

6) An entire 12oz bag o' beef jerky

These are just a few, and not even the most interesting. He insists on putting mustard on most things he eats, and nothing crunchy usually works it's way in. It makes me not want to eat anything.

-JP

Well, I started my new job today. I think it went really well. I like all the guys I'll be working with, and I had a fun lunch with a few of them. I get into he meat of the job tomorrow because a snafu of sorts over the weekend meant that the guy showing me the ropes was off today.
I think I'll have a good time, and it seems like this is the first job I've had that I can still see myself in ten years down the line.

In other news:
We had a great week end where we celebrated father's day and a few June birthdays all at once. Better to get them all out of the way.
We sold the crappy ass '88 Volvo that had no air conditioning to a woman to give to her teenage daughter, for $500. They did not get a deal. That is exactly what the car is worth.
We did a small bit of shopping, including the bridesmaid dress that Jen will be wearing next week in Robin's wedding. Lucky thing the Wedding is soon, or Jen wouldn't be able to fit in the dress.

I think that's it.

-JP

Grub.

So there it is. Jen is 11 weeks on, and the baby is due Jan 3.
We are both very excited.

Not much else to say. I start my new job next week. Robin is getting married the next, and Hopefully our house will sell soon, so I don't have to commute.

waiting.

-Jason.

Transmogrification

First off, if anybody out there wants to be a rock star, watch this video over and over again to get some pointers.






The White Stripes and The Raconteurs are bands that I really like despite their massive popularity. See diagram. For once a band is popular because they deserve it, and not because the Clear Channel and MTV programmers were bribed into over playing them and insisting that you should love them and you should go to the concert that we happen to be sponsoring and here is some free swag that you don't need and visit us for a free hot dog at some shitty car lot that we also have an in with where you can hear that same song played from the back of a van...


IN OTHER NEWS:

The following has mostly broken out, so I feel safe in telling you all straight out. I seem to love to totally disrupt my life and the lives of my loved ones about every two years or so. First off, I just got a new job. It is as a Graphic Designer for the Tulsa World Newspaper. I am very excited.
This means that I will be packing up my family and moving back to Tulsa. So I'm going to have to commute or stay safe places until we sell our house and find a new on to either buy or rent in Tulsey Town. I also need to start packing. I have a lot of stuff. I will miss certain aspects of Stilly and I will miss most of the people I've met, and I will for damn sure miss the coffee shop. Stilly has been a good experience overall, and has been great for Jackson. I'm sad to pull him out of his school and daycare because they both do a bang-up job. But I have come to realize that if you don't have anything to do with OSU and are a professional with any kind of ambition, then your options run a tad short. So off we go.

So the other news is that Jackson is going to be a big brother. Jen was keeping it quiet, but the word has pretty much been spread about by the rumor mill*, So I am here to tell you that yes it is true, and Jen is due in early January and don't call us screaming congrats or anything like that or I'll have Jen puke on you.

So, um... Yeah. I have a lot to do. I should get to it.

-JP


*By "Rumor Mill" I mean the Kettlers. And my Mom.

Big changes.

More later.