Cooking with Norm

Welp, First off, I'd like to apologise for the lack of art lately. I don't have a scanner at work, and since I am staying at the in-laws during the week, I have no scanner there either.

I do have a picture of my kid for ya:

That is the look all of you make while reading my blog. Why on Earth do you bother? That haircut, BTW, is the standard "Okie Burr" given to him by his grandfather. Not my idea. Not Jen's either, but he started right up the middle, and at that point, he had to finish it, lest Jackson has Harkonnen blood that I am unaware of.

Living with the in-laws (especially Norm, Jen's step-dad) is proving ... Interesting. This is the only time where somebody's eating habits, unrelated to cleanliness, has gotten on my nerves so much. I have no idea where this man learned to eat, but it wasn't anywhere I've ever heard of.

Let's go through some of my favorites:

note: For a lot of these, you will need an Insanely Large Bowl (ILB). I just measured the one Norm usually uses, and it is about 2 Quarts. For reference, because I know most of you don't know what the fuck a quart is (because you are either foreign and use the metric system, or American and dumb), the pitchers that we all used to make kool-aid in as kids, that's about 2 quarts. It's a BIG bowl.

1)Tomato-cracker "soup"

You will need: Two cans tomato soup, an entire box of Club crackers, a fist full of shredded longhorn sharp cheddar cheese, and an unhealthy amount of salt.

-dump both cans soup into pot to cook. Do NOT add water.

-When bubbling, transfer soup to ILB.

-Crush every single club cracker from the box (3 rows)and add to ILB.

-Add cheese and salt (because the salt from the soup and off the crackers just isn't enough), stir.

-Place in microwave, cook for 2 min, then leave it in there for a while so the crackers soak up the soup.

What you should get is a paste of sorts that is yellow, orange and red. You can eat it right out of the bowl with a spoon, or on heavily buttered toast. Around here, bread is unheard of, so the best option is usually the former. Be sure to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

2)Pizza Monstrosity

You will need: 1 DiGiorno supreme pizza, a massive tomato*, a fist full of shredded longhorn sharp cheddar cheese, and an ungodly amount of French's Yellow Mustard.

-Remove pizza from box.

-Cut tomato into "shapes" of no discernible rhyme or reason.

-Add tomato and cheese to top of pizza in no kind of pattern you ever heard of.

-Cook as normal, insuring that the new cheese is burnt, and the frozen cheese stays that way.

-When done, cut like a normal pizza, remove two pieces and lat on plate ass to end.

-Add mustard in copious amounts to top of pizza.

-Add a dash of salt.

-Exclaim: "This is the best god-damn pizza you ever gonna eat!" to all within earshot.

3)Breakfast "meal" (to be eaten at night)

You will need: Honey Nut Cheerio's, Grape Nuts, 1-3 bananas, sugar, two kinds of milk.

-Fill ILB with all ingredients listed above in as large of portions as you can muster.

-Place ILB in fridge.

-Go outside, smoke a cigarette, watch the first part of the O'Rielly Factor, wander around for a bit.

-Remove ILB from fridge.

What you should have is a brownish-white... thing. The sugar should have dissolved the banana, and the Cheerio's and Grape Nuts should have soaked up a good portion of the milk, though the mixture should remain very liquid. So much so, that it is difficult to carry without spilling, and as you walk yo the living room with it, you should leave little spills in your wake. When you notice these upon your return to the kitchen, mumble a string of curses under your breath.

And the self-explanatory ones:

4) ILB full o' shrimp

5) Cheese n' Pickles

6) An entire 12oz bag o' beef jerky

These are just a few, and not even the most interesting. He insists on putting mustard on most things he eats, and nothing crunchy usually works it's way in. It makes me not want to eat anything.

-JP