A dead cat and The Christmas Train

So for those of you who didn't know, Audrey the cat died. She had stomach cancer. She is sorely missed.
Now that we have that out of the way, on to The Christmas Train.
The Christmas Train sounds like a great idea in theory. Some movie company made a wild west town outside of Pryor, OK some time in the '80s. When shooting was done, a church bought the land and turned it into a western themed summer camp. During the holiday season, they decorate the place with lights and all that and turn it into a Victorian/Cowboy Christmas theme park, complete with a vintage train that actually still runs on steam. Fair enough. The kids should like it.
One of the things they keep talking about in all of the Literature is the true meaning of Christmas, and how one might learn of such during the train ride. In my mind, the "true meaning of Christmas" conjors up all sorts of imagery that mostly involves Charlie Brown and his sad little tree. This was not the case.
All seemed well and good after the hour and a half car ride. Grace and Zane were there to keep us company. Everything was quaint and charming. The main problem we had was that the tix we had, (which aren't for the train itself, only for entry into the complex) were for 6:00 and the boys hadn't eaten yet. We thought about eating first, but Jackson was so gung-ho about riding the train that his exuberance superseded hunger. The night was terribly cold, and we spent a long time getting everybody bundled up. We make it into the complex, and it is very cute. We see the boarding area for the train, having to first check the strollers. The line moved slowly and the kids were getting cranky. Finally we board the train. It's a snug fit. Everybody is wearing extra clothes due to the cold. Jackson is as excited as can be for the train ride. The conductor even yelled "ALL ABOARD!!" like he was in it to win it. The train gets rolling. There is steam and a whistle and everything seems perfect.
A few minutes into the ride, as we were riding through a tunnel decorated with hanging Styrofoam planets and stars and a lovely space mural, a gigantic, loud, booming, Darth Vader voice comes over the PA system....
"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH!!!"
Almost every kid on the train lost their shit. The crying was loud, but not as loud as the magic voice. The rest of the twenty minute train ride, we chugged past painted murals of the story of Jesus, and in a few thematically important areas actors portrayed the events live. Joseph and Zane were calmed my hand-feeding them kix cereal, but Jackson just sort of stared out the window. Until I hear him say: "Daddy, what are they doing?", and I look out the window to see a bunch of guys dressed as Romans nailing a guy to a cross in a pretty graphic way. Um... our kids are all 3 or under. We don't really need blood and scary voices and violence with our theme parks, thank you. We got back to the station and they lead us all into a theater where they wanted us to watch a movie. After a collective "fuck that", we left and went to get some food. Jack played on their playground while the girls want to get the strollers, and on to some really expensive and extremely mediocre food. As the boys' blood sugar raised, attitudes were improved. We had as semi-lovely a meal as we could in a cafeteria setting. Then Disaster #2 struck. As we were getting read to venture back out into toon town, Jackson got so excited at the prospect of seeing Santa, he peed himself. Boys will be boys, but we did not have an extra outfit on hand as we usually do. So much for sitting in Santa's lap. Time to go home. All I could find in the car to put Jackson in, were a pair of his brother's pajama pants, which looked like bicycle shorts once I got them on him, and a pair of my socks. Lookin' sharp, Mr. Powers. Joseph cried the whole way home, and Grace had to feed him raisins and jingle her keys for over an hour.
So....the verdict: If it had been warmer, and if we had eaten beforehand, the old west town would have been pretty cool for the kiddos. There were pony rides and a merry-go-round and and arcade and Santa, so they would have enjoyed that. The Propaganda Train, however, we would not do again. I'm all for the Story of Jesus and all that, but for goodness sake, ease the kids into Romans and nails and raising from the dead Zombie style. That shit can wait until they don't believe in Santa anymore. Which I also thought was odd. They make a big deal about the true meaning of Christmas, but then want you to spend $15.00 on a picture of your kid with Santa. Hmmm....

-JP